Give and Take

Well into year two of life "in the field," I'm realizing the truth of Ecclesiastes. God is truly one who gives and takes away. But the new lesson that I'm learning is that so often what I feel like he's "taking" is His way of leading me somewhere new "giving" me more than I ever dared hope for.

Teaching is a part of who I am. I have known I wanted to teach from a  young age, have always loved it, and feel like it's a gift I have. I am one of those weirdos who function well on school time. I love how teaching is structured, yet intensely relational and creative. But when I left my teaching job in the States, I no longer viewed myself as a teacher; I was a missionary. I resisted teaching in Guatemala. I was being asked to volunteer at a school, and I said to myself things like "I am not moving to another country to just do the same job I did before," and "Why would I teach for FREE and live on missionary support? That's crazy!" And so I said I wouldn't teach. The I said I'd look for a paying teaching job. They exist, but each one drastically conflicted with the other ministries we planned to be involved in. And CAG, our mission director, and my husband were all telling me repeatedly that I was the right person for this job, why didn't I think it over some more and "pray about it?" I didn't really want to pray about it. But eventually, I begrudgingly did. And, although I have never heard audible voices, I was driving down Central Avenue in Middletown one day, when in the most clearly identifiable God voice I have ever heard, he said "Didn't I call you to Guatemala to meet the needs of people there? Isn't this a need I have placed before you? Why isn't this need worthy of your attention? Do you believe I would send you there and not provide for you? Is this about money? Why are you afraid?" Humbled, I went home and told Chad I felt I needed to take the position at CAG.

I had mixed feelings about my first year of teaching at CAG. Our kids were happy there, and my teaching allowed them to attend the school tuition free, which was a huge blessing for our family. My teaching load was only three classes plus a few other duties; much less stressful than my teaching load in the States.Sterling thrived in a bilingual preschool environment. I loved being with all three of my kids on the same campus. The campus is beautiful beyond words. But I held my position at arm's length. This isn't what I came here to do. I also was teaching a middle school English class that was trying for me. Middle school teachers are very special people to love that group and want to work with them. This was not my passion. I felt isolated and frustrated, but mostly this was due to our isolated location and my own reluctance to make new friends. At home, we were involved in ministry at CRI and Journey church was taking off well with God's provision and guidance. But the orphanage we came here to start couldn't seem to get off the ground. Every time we ventured, things looked dimmer, until we got to the point where we felt like it was just not going to happen right now. I was devastated and angry. Why was God taking away the very dream that brought us here?

After several months of rethinking, praying, and re-grouping, we made decisions that would lead us into this new school year in the best position to do ministry. We gave up our property in San Lucas, but were able to move into a house five minutes from our schools and church, and two doors down from CRI who we partner with in team ministry. I felt God bringing me back into community from isolation. And as I said yes to another year teaching at CAG, God began to give back even more of who I am. He is truly the giver of all good gifts. I got an email shortly before school began asking if I would consider "giving up" my middle school English class for an AP Literature class. Yes! I was doing  a happy dance. Then I was asked to be the technical director for the fall theatrical production. Yes! I never thought I would work in the theater again. Let alone in a Creative Arts department that is training up young, talented Christian artists seeking to honor God with their talents. I truly thought I had given that part of my life up when I left the U.S. At the same time, God has given Chad and I numerous occasions to advocate for children in need and provide opportunities for teens and young adults trying to improve their lives. I expected to have a house full of babies, and instead we are housing teaching volunteers. Life looks nothing like what I expected it to look like at this point, but not just in negative ways. And while holding on to some of my essential identity that I thought I had lost, I am also developing new roles in life: pastor's wife, mom of teenagers, mentor to twenty-something teachers, Spanish speaker, just to name a few. Life is always a process of give-and-take. I'm learning not to foolishly hold too tightly to the things I want because God in his infinite wisdom may have better things in store for me.