Everybody who trains, equips, and educates missionaries to go in the field warns you about certain things that are going to happen. When you're Stateside fundraising, reading books, and are super fired up about getting in the field, you can be tempted to think "that won't happen to me." Surely you are the missionary that won't experience all the burn out, doubt, exhaustion, homesickness that all of these people who know way more than you do keep telling you about. Because you are all in. Ask any member of the Shepherd family and I think you would get the same answer, we are here as long as God wants us here, doing what he wants us to do. We are on mission.
While we were preparing to go into the field, we noticed a trend that disturbed us a bit: several people/families we knew went into the field and came back before we even left. Often they would leave or make a decision to leave around this critical nine month mark.We thought to ourselves, what is going on? Is it really that hard? Is something not right with these ministries the people are going to work for? Was is a lack of planning and preparation? Did they not realize what they were getting into? It was difficult to understand from where we were sitting.
Now, here we are, almost nine months in, and we look at each other and say "Oh, now I totally get it." This is a difficult point to push through. At nine months, you're tired, realize your inadequacies, are confused about why the ministry you are doing is not at all what you thought you'd be doing, and you realize that God doesn't need YOU specifically on the mission field. He can get stuff done however he wants, and you just happen to be here and willing, but if you weren't, somebody else would be. And at this point, things can start to dry up financially as people lose touch and lose interest with what you're doing or don't see magnificent "results." So the grandparents start to worry about just how crazy you are, and if the grandkids are starving (they're not!). And we have legitimately seen that God sometimes uses your willingness to do this crazy missionary thing as preparation for something else he has for you to do. And it may not even be in another country. So it's easy to wonder, what is God up to?
Lest you think I am in a worse frame of mind than I really am, there are two really important things you need to know:
1) I love Guatemala. Living in another country certainly is not for the faint of heart. It is difficult legally, financially, logistically, emotionally, and linguistically. But this country and the people in it absolutely have my heart. Most days I wake up thankful to be here, drink in the beauty of my surroundings, and am completely overwhelmed by my love for this specific place. God is doing amazing work here, and I'm thankful to be any small part in that. Whether we are here for one year or twenty, I am so glad that God brought us here.
2) I totally trust God with my future. I've seen enough in my life to know that his plan is always better, and his timing is always perfect, no mater how frustrating it seems to me because I don't know the whole story. So I am not worried. I just don't know the whole story yet. Will things turn around financially allowing us to continue pursuing the original dreams that propelled us here? Will we have to downsize and refocus our ministry? Can we do both? Is there something else not on my radar that God is up to? Willingness and obedience have gotten us this far. God always shows up, always provides, and usually in some exciting unexpected way in our family's life. I figure nine months in our North American brains is kind of a cycle. A school year, a pregnancy, a gestational period of almost a year. And so, it's no wonder that people re-evaluate at this point. So pray for us as we hurdle this milestone and prink (pray and think) about where the future is taking us.
